Okay. Let me start of by pointing out a couple of things:
- My marriage is very stable. I know how lucky I am. Insta-Bae not only tolerates my nonsense, he seems to find me quite funny.
- I had a chakra cleansing recently and have been manifesting like crazy.
- I am in love with Matty J.
Right, now that we have that out of the way, let me tell you about the day I met my one true love AKA Matty J AKA the rejected guy on the Bachelorette AKA the new Bachelor.
This story begins on the night that Georgia Love rejected poor Matty on the season finale of The Bachelorette and I turned to Insta-Bae and proclaimed that if Matty became the next Bachelor, we would have to get divorced so I could go on the show. He agreed and said something about Shakira.
Fast forward through a bit of Instagram stalking, obsessive reading of that article about his Tinder activity and confession at the Peninsula Hot Springs by at least 2 other women who I know that we would definitely divorce our husbands for Matty, to Chanel 10 announcing that Matty was, in fact, the next Bachie. Swoon.
I made a decision one morning as I drove home from school drop-off. I may not be able to go on the show (would he NOT be interested in a twice divorced 36 year old unemployed mother of two?) But I was going to meet him. So be it and so it is.
About an hour later my phone pinged with a notification on Insta from my wonderful friend Tegan, tagging me in a Nova 100 post about a V.I.P viewing of the premiere of The Bachelor. I tagged her back with a “Yass” and a few eggplant emojis. Then I took a nap and listened to a manifesting meditation because that’s how I role.
When I woke up, my phone pinged again with a notification from Nova 100. I had won. Just like that.
So, because I had planned a party at my house for the premiere already and hired a giant inflatable screen I thought I’d better get some more details about this VIP thang before I cancelled my truck load of champagne. There were some contact details attached to an email so I called the number and a nice person answered the phone. The convo went like this:
Me: “Hi, I just won a comp and I’m just wondering when it is and where it is and will there be wine?”
Nice person: “Oh, that’s the “Watch the premiere of the Bachelor with Chrissie Swan and Matty J event.”
Me: “Wait. What? Is Matty going to be there?”
Nice Person: “Please hold”
die die die die die die die die die
Nice Person: “Yes. I can confirm that Matty with be there.”
Me: “Are you serious? Oh. My. God. I need to call my husband and get divorced.”
Nice Person: “I think a divorce can take about a year. Hopefully Matty doesn’t call in sick.”
Me “I don’t think he would,.”
Nice Person: “Me either. He seems like he’d be a really good provider.”
Me “And what about the wine?”
Nice Person: “There is an open bar for the 32 guests.”
32 guests? 32? I only have to claw my way over 32 other woman to get to the man of my dreams?? Amazing.
I call my sister. I call my bestie. I call Insta-Bae. Everyone is so excited for me and I can’t stop looking at all my photoshopped photos of Matty J and myself.
My love of the Bachelor franchise incidentally started during my divorce from my first husband. I think that’s why I love it so much: it represents a fog clearing and being able to really embrace my own spirit and my love of crap T.V. I used to go over to my sister’s place after a personal training session on a Tuesday night and watch Emily and Brad fall in love and then later we’d watch Emily and Jef fall in love and it was always accompanied by Japanese takeway and a feeling that everything was going to be okay.
So of course when I read the email properly and realised I had a plus one, I sent a screen shot to my sister to invite her along. many swear words followed.
At this point, I probably went a bit insane. I went and got a spray tan and eyelash extensions. I think somewhere deep in my psyche I believed I was a contestant and that the whole show had not already been filmed and he wasn’t already shagging his new GF senseless. However, eyelash extensions are amazing and I felt that it added to the whole experience.
So, we get on to Chapel Street and start heading towards the Jam Factory (where the screening is) and it is TRAFFIC. I start hardcore putting it out there that we will get a park and with 1 minute to spare, a car park opens up directly across the road from our venue. YAY. We sign a quick gag order at the entrance about posting to social media and suddenly we are in a swanky cinema with wait staff, roses and Matty’s massive face all over the movie screen.
We’re still insane at this point. Throw back a couple of glasses each of bubbles, nab some front row seats, chat to some other over-excited women and then do the jacket on? jacket off? dance while we wait for my boyfriend.
He’s here and so help me Oprah, he is fucking GLORIOUS. He’s not wearing socks. His blue suit brings out his eyes. I start getting a rash. My sister is already tipsy and although we are literally 2 meters away from him she starts heckling him like a drunk mum who has not been out of the house in a few months. He says some words – who cares! Take off your shirt! and then makes his way to a photo wall for a meet and greet.
We meet him and we greet him. It’s a bit of a blur – like a wedding day- but here are some key points:
- I inadvertently stroked his back in a creepy way when he hugged me.
- He seemed genuinely amused by the amount of keen interest we were showing.
- He handed me a rose
- He asked to see my wedding ring when I mentioned I was married but in love with him and I WASN’T WEARING IT because spray tan but also because I was a contestant on the Bachelor and that would be weird. So came across as woman lying about being married or married woman genuinely attempting to have affair with stranger.
Then we took some selfies:
At this point, I had a brainwave. I should Facetime my friends! He was bloody awesome as three friends tuned into a group chat. Even when one friend asked if I was touching him inappropriately. He thought we were so funny and proposed on the spot. Almost.
So, we watched the first ep. Someone bought us some food and more wine and then just like that, it was over. The fairytale had come to an end. Although my sister refused to leave the cinemas and return to our real lives that would involve at least 2 children waking up oduring the night and one of them weeing in our bed.
In closing, I will just say this:
DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE. Best night ever.
Love you Matty.